Thursday, June 5, 2008

Four years...

Yes, his shirt does say, "Chicks dig me." Scott is a huge Jonny Bravo fan, and Jonny was even displayed on his grooms cake.

It was four years ago today that Ethan died. It is always a sad day, but not as hard as his birthday. I think his birthday is worse because it was supposed to be such a happy day. We had our first baby and were finally parents and we had so many hopes and dreams for him. His birthday is always a reminder of what might have been. The day he died was always a sad day, never anything more or less. We don't usually do anything for today. Sometimes we make it out to the grave, but most often it just passes without much going on. After all it is not a day any of us want to celebrate.

I am writing this post just to acknowledge that we have survived another year without him, and we are actually doing pretty well. We miss him often and are always wondering what kind of four year old he would be. I often tell Scott that it would be so weird having two boys so close together and then he not so subtly reminds me that if Ethan had lived Nathan would not have been born so close after him.

Anyway, let's see... Four years ago Scott was still in undergrad with two years to go. He has since graduated with a degree in Biology, started work at USAA, received four promotions and started his MBA. He has also managed to get me pregnant two more times ;). When Ethan died he decided he did not want to pursue a medical degree because he didn't know if he could handle death. He switched to dental, but that ended up not for him either. He is definitely a more mature person (as four years will mature anyone), but he is still me rock. I remember that the month after Ethan died we did not like to be away from each other. I left to shop with Mother-in-law for a dress for the funeral, and that was about the only time we were in seperate locations. About three months after the funeral is when our relationship really hit a point where it could either make us or break us. It was hard, but we chose the right path and are closer now because of it.

Four years ago I was an immature girl not knowing who I was or what I wanted in life, and not much has changed ;). Okay, so I know I want a family and to be married (duh!), and I know I want to eventually go back to school, but that is where it ends. But I am learning that it is okay to not know. I am just trying to flow with life and not worry about the future. As long as I have my family and the gospel I will make it. After all, I survived losing a child, I can handle anything, right?

Nathan was born 14 months after Ethan was born. It was very hard on my body. But sooo worth it. I wanted to be a mother here on Earth. I was not replacing my son, I could never do that, but I was replacing the responsibilities that come with having a living child. He was such a healing aspect for everyone. An easy baby who just loves everyone, and still does.

Caden has been a struggle. He has had similar issues that Ethan had (constipation since birth, extreme fussiness caused by the constipation). It has been hard to see another baby act so similar to the one who died. I had fears that I was going to lose him too, but mostly those were quickly washed away by a sense of peace. After all, whatever happens I know I can get through it (just please don't let it happen!). We have figured him out (mostly). He is on miralax and that has been a miracle for us. He finally sleeps through the night and is becoming the happiest baby I have ever seen. He adores his big brother and follows him everywhere. He cuddles and is especially fond of his dadadadada (as all of my kids are).

It has been a stressful, happy, memorable, fun, emotional four years, but I wouldn't have had it any other way (okay, I would bring Ethan back, but that is it!).

To see more pictures of him check out his birthday post in March.

14 comments:

SHILLIG4FAMILY said...

You are so strong. I still remember you sharing with me the letter from Grandma Neville. My kids are 13months apart so I totally understand the part about it being hard on your body!

Bobbi said...

I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I still cry when I think of seeing Ethan's little casket rolling up the aisle at his funeral four years ago. That was such a heart-wrenching moment for me...I can't imagine how it must have been for you! I know you must be about the strongest woman in the world to be able to pull through something like that and keep on going one day at a time. Keep it up, Christine. You amaze me!!

Lyssa said...

from what you've gone through, you are such a strong girl! I can't imagine going through that and I don't know if I could. But you've shown me that it can happen. Sometimes it's probably hard but you are a trooper! You are an inspiration! Can you believe it's been 2 years since hanging out at your apartment with Emily and Jaime?!

The Blaisdell Family said...

You're a strong person just to be able to share such a personal experience like this. You have gone through so much your whole life and you just keep pressing forward. You are a great example to all those around you Christine!!!!

The Blaisdell Family said...

And I can't leave out Scott. He's a strong guy to have gone through this too. You both, I'm sure, have grown so much because of this and also have grown closer to each other. Scott is a great guy, husband, and father. We feel blessed to have you guys as friends (no matter how far apart we live:)

The Impact Program Archives said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark & Samantha Elsebusch said...

You and Scott are in our thoughts on this day. Though we didn't get a chance to meet Ethan, he is never forgotten in our lives. We admire your strength and great faith. We admire how you have allowed a trial, unimaginable to us, refine and strengthen you. Your dad says that the pain never really goes away, it just takes its place in one's life. But you have a strong testimony and you know where to turn to find comfort. We love you!

Mark & Samantha Elsebusch said...

Just a note...
That deleted comment above was ours. The incorrect name was showing up, so we reposted it with the correct name!
:)

Jami Black said...

Well everyone said what I wanted so eloquently so I think I'll just add that you are amazing and I am overwhelmed by what a strong person you are. The Lord only gives us what we can handle and the fact that you were able to endure such a trial and live to be such an example says so much about you!

Kaylynne said...

I don't know what else to add. So...
((((HUGS))))

Sarah said...

I love you, my friend.

Angela said...

Your boys are so blessed to have you and Scott as parents. I hope your weekend with family visiting has be rejuvinating. Take care.

Jamie Smith said...

You have gone through one of the hardest challenges (if not the hardest) that a person can go through, and it's amazing to see how strong you are. Thanks for always inspiring us and helping us realize whats really important in life.

Jane @ What About Mom? said...

Christine,

This is a beautiful post. I love your spirit that I see here. So trusting, loving, but still acknowledging the pain, etc.

I love this: "After all, whatever happens I know I can get through (just please don't let it happen!)." I feel like this a lot. Thanks for putting it into words.

Also, I'm glad you and your husband were able to be stronger together through this. It's awful when the first tragedy (losing a child) leads to a second if a couple is torn apart by it. Kudos to both of you for being there for each other!

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