Four years...

Yes, his shirt does say, "Chicks dig me." Scott is a huge Jonny Bravo fan, and Jonny was even displayed on his grooms cake.

It was four years ago today that Ethan died. It is always a sad day, but not as hard as his birthday. I think his birthday is worse because it was supposed to be such a happy day. We had our first baby and were finally parents and we had so many hopes and dreams for him. His birthday is always a reminder of what might have been. The day he died was always a sad day, never anything more or less. We don't usually do anything for today. Sometimes we make it out to the grave, but most often it just passes without much going on. After all it is not a day any of us want to celebrate.

I am writing this post just to acknowledge that we have survived another year without him, and we are actually doing pretty well. We miss him often and are always wondering what kind of four year old he would be. I often tell Scott that it would be so weird having two boys so close together and then he not so subtly reminds me that if Ethan had lived Nathan would not have been born so close after him.

Anyway, let's see... Four years ago Scott was still in undergrad with two years to go. He has since graduated with a degree in Biology, started work at USAA, received four promotions and started his MBA. He has also managed to get me pregnant two more times ;). When Ethan died he decided he did not want to pursue a medical degree because he didn't know if he could handle death. He switched to dental, but that ended up not for him either. He is definitely a more mature person (as four years will mature anyone), but he is still me rock. I remember that the month after Ethan died we did not like to be away from each other. I left to shop with Mother-in-law for a dress for the funeral, and that was about the only time we were in seperate locations. About three months after the funeral is when our relationship really hit a point where it could either make us or break us. It was hard, but we chose the right path and are closer now because of it.

Four years ago I was an immature girl not knowing who I was or what I wanted in life, and not much has changed ;). Okay, so I know I want a family and to be married (duh!), and I know I want to eventually go back to school, but that is where it ends. But I am learning that it is okay to not know. I am just trying to flow with life and not worry about the future. As long as I have my family and the gospel I will make it. After all, I survived losing a child, I can handle anything, right?

Nathan was born 14 months after Ethan was born. It was very hard on my body. But sooo worth it. I wanted to be a mother here on Earth. I was not replacing my son, I could never do that, but I was replacing the responsibilities that come with having a living child. He was such a healing aspect for everyone. An easy baby who just loves everyone, and still does.

Caden has been a struggle. He has had similar issues that Ethan had (constipation since birth, extreme fussiness caused by the constipation). It has been hard to see another baby act so similar to the one who died. I had fears that I was going to lose him too, but mostly those were quickly washed away by a sense of peace. After all, whatever happens I know I can get through it (just please don't let it happen!). We have figured him out (mostly). He is on miralax and that has been a miracle for us. He finally sleeps through the night and is becoming the happiest baby I have ever seen. He adores his big brother and follows him everywhere. He cuddles and is especially fond of his dadadadada (as all of my kids are).

It has been a stressful, happy, memorable, fun, emotional four years, but I wouldn't have had it any other way (okay, I would bring Ethan back, but that is it!).

To see more pictures of him check out his birthday post in March.